People can make choices. I know some people debate out there whether we have free will or not, that since we didn’t pick our genes or our environment that those things are in greater control than our individual will, but I’m not talking about that angle today. What I mean is that people can make choices like this, right now, put down the device that you are reading and put both hands into the air….did you do it? If you reflect right now, can you make the choice to do it or not? Kinda basic, but in that sense you are surely free to do what you want, to make choices. That principle applies in other areas of life as well. We can make different choices, we can change directions.
One of the choices that people can make is to influence other people’s choices. You can influence or be influenced by others either a little or a lot. It exists on a scale that looks something like this:
Think of it like this:
The Mild Zone: probably not enough influence to change your behavior.
The Healthy Zone: enough to change your behavior.
The Unhealthy Zone: so much influence that it is hard to do otherwise.
It is kinda uncool to be on the giving or the receiving end of unhealthy influence.
Let’s start with the obviously unhealthy levels of influence and work back from there. At what point down this scale from worse to better (but still maybe not healthy) can you distinguish the differences in emotion you’d feel if you were the recipient of this influence?
- Do what I say or I will kill you
- Do what I say or I will hit you
- Do what I say or I will hurt you physically
- Do what I say or I will hurt you emotionally
- Do what I say or I will use your own values on you to make you feel guilty
- Do what I say or I will make you feel uncomfortable
I’m gonna levy some writing from LDS scripture here that may help bring out healthy influence and where the line between healthy and unhealthy changes.
[Regardless of your philosophical perspective I think this might be one of the most beautiful thought creations of religion, I’ll speak to the essence here, but read the source here: link]
Unhealthy influence is about selfishness, fear, control, the need to be right, and the need to control. When we try to do those things we immediately move out of the healthy influence zone. Healthy influence is about conversation, persuasion, listening, understanding, love, kindness. It seems reasonable to think that healthy influence ends when you stop honoring the conscience and freedom of another human in favor of your own wishes and desires.
We should not lead this way. But we shouldn’t let others lead us this way either. If our primary reasons for doing something come not from love and conscience, but from a feeling of force, control, and obligation, something is off and needs to be fixed.
Influence is a two-way street, if we are letting ourselves be led unhealthily and the group is unapologetically leading that way we land dead center in that red zone. We all know groups and families and marriages that are like this, it is not … fun. Where it gets complicated is when we (you and I) and the groups we are in wobble in and out of that unhealthy zone and into those ??? zones.
Let me give some examples to illustrate this a little bit more, knowing this is going to feel controversial or rude to some, but my goal is to help the people who are struggling, not to give those who are not a reason to.
There are four categories that we can think of to group things up a bit: Behavior, Information, Thoughts, Emotions. This is a powerful framework that I’m organizing from.
Here are some examples of what a healthy and unhealthy response might be in those categories in the ??? zones.
Behavior category
Group says:
Our leader is the one true leader, if you don’t follow, I worry that your reward and punishment will be the most extreme.
Healthy response:
Ok, whoa. That is some heavy influence that has some potential of being in the unhealthy zone. I get it, this person feels very strong. What does my conscience say? How do I feel about that statement? If I disagree with this person will there be emotional consequences? If there are emotional consequences that is a good sign to me that there might be some unhealthy influence going on. I’ll carefully consider and then go with my conscience.
Unhealthy response:
Whoa, that person is so right, I feel like I need to double check my priorities that I set by my conscience, maybe I wasn’t considering that enough. Wow, I’m really worried and feeling a lot of stress and anxiety, after all I promised to be a follower, am I just too weak to follow? I really need to try harder to get my conscience in line with our leader. I’ll double down and get better at following.
Group says:
The most important thing you can do is to be unquestioningly obedient.
Healthy response:
There are definitely some important spaces where following the rules is super important, but this feels a little constricting and fearful to me. I trust myself and I have confidence and faith in my conscience, I am not going to worry.
Unhealthy response:
Wow. That is so true, I need to double my efforts. Am I “truly” being obedient? Are there areas of my life that I need to come clean about? What categories and behaviors have I not considered? Arrgh, I’m upset with myself, I wish I could just be more obedient!
Group says:
Don’t doubt. “Oh sure we believe in questioning, but I’m not sure the best among us do.”
Healthy response:
Hmm, sounds like this person is suggesting that it is ok to question but it feels pretty clear that the value is really the opposite. I am always a bit healthily skeptical about anyone that tells me not to question things. Truth is pretty good at surviving interrogation. I can decide for myself.
Unhealthy response:
So true. Why do I ever question? I just need to have more faith, why do I doubt so much? If I could just believe more my problems would go away, or at least I’d feel better. I wish I was more like so and so. I’m frustrated.
Information category
Group says:
Controversial information. We shouldn’t share those kinds of things with people because if we do they might not join us.
Healthy response:
Hmm, how would I feel if I were in a scenario where someone wanted to withhold information from me so I’d do what they thought was best for me? Sounds a little uncool to me. I’d rather be honest and trust people to decide on their own. God is in control not me.
Unhealthy response:
Great point, anyway, eventually they could actually be glad that we never told them that because maybe then they’ll realize how important it is to belong to the group? Yeah, I’ll definitely not tell them anything about that controversial topic.
Group says:
Controversial information. Don’t read anything that is not faith-promoting.
Healthy response:
Hmmm, truth is resilient, truth is made stronger by criticism. I can ignore low quality material, but I am not afraid of facts, in fact it is my religion to seek out the best explanations of reality.
Unhealthy response:
That is so important, I’ve seen people leave the group (the worst thing possible) because of reading other material. I’ll ignore everything that doesn’t have my groups logo on it.
Thought category
Group says:
Us vs. Them. “Yes, everyone else (the world) might think that, but how do “we” think about that?”
Healthy response:
This really sounds like this person is dismissing another argument without really listening to it or trying to simply reiterate our groups values, this could be right, or not. I think I’ll try to understand both sides on this before I decide what I think and feel.
Unhealthy response:
Whoo, I feel a bite of pain and guilt in me, this person is right, I shouldn’t even be thinking about what other people (or the world) think on this topic. There is one right answer and I get to it by believing my group, not considering other arguments. I need now to make sure this person knows that I am in line with “us”.
Group says:
Remaining in the group is the ultimate value. You know what happens to people who start questioning the leader, right?
Healthy response:
I see the value of loyalty, but not fear. The unwise servant in Jesus’ parable actually got in trouble in the story for burying talents and not being a good steward. Having my ultimate goal to simply “die in my group” seems like burying my talent, after all I could die now and be done.
Unhealthy response:
Yes, that is right…my ultimate fear is to leave my group! That would be so horrible to lose out on the wonderful blessings that come from belonging, not to mention the eternal rewards that will come after this life. I will do nothing, nothing that will ever bring me close to what I think will compromise my allegiance!
Emotion category
Group says:
Emotional manipulation. Well we know that leaving the group is the worst thing that a person could ever do, right? You do know that right? It would be the most horrible thing ever to miss out on our exclusive blessings.
Healthy response:
Hmm, feels a little heavy to me, like what they are really saying is, ‘This is stupid, you aren’t stupid…are you?’ I am free to have an opinion, that freedom is my best chance to grow and become a better person, I should really ask this person what they mean by that.
Unhealthy response:
Dang, this person thinks I’m stupid, or that I am a traitor. I am definitely not a traitor. I need to hurry and make sure that this person thinks that I am OK, I will change anything and never say anything that could be perceived as not falling in line with the group.
Group says:
We are the best. The world (anyone who doesn’t belong to the group) is really lost and confused (implied: we definitely aren’t)
Healthy response:
I know some very good people in my group and some very good people outside my group. This seems like an insult to them. I know this person is just trying to feel good about the good we have, but we can do that without putting others down.
Unhealthy response:
Yes, we are the best. I always need to remember that. I may have good friends outside the group, but since they don’t have our beliefs, they are not as blessed. I feel some dissonance about it, but I’ll ignore it.
Group says:
Using your love for family to push you in a direction. “Y’know if you leave you won’t be with your loved ones…forever.”
Healthy response:
If God loves me anything like I love my kids or family. I have zero worry about following my conscience and doing my best.
Unhealthy response:
Oh man, I’m definitely afraid of that, think of how bad that would feel to know that I failed to live with my family forever. I better do 100% anything that the group asks me to do, I actually don’t care about my conscience compared to that reward/punishment!
OK, so what?
My point is we should avoid leading and being led by unhealthy or controlling methods. Although these work for compliance, they don’t work for the flourishing of potential. If your religion (whether you call it that or not) is not helping you to be good, to grow and to improve you’ve already “left” the spirit of your religion and you need to use your conscience to find it again in a healthy way or find another way to let your conscience and grow and flourish.
If you are auditing this article with the thought, “what is in here that my group would disagree with” I am suggesting to you that your conscience may not be making up as much of your sense of right and wrong as your group is. While normal for your group to influence your sense of right and wrong, it is out of balance if your group is owning all of your choices. After a long life, we can consider which might be better to say, “I studied and contemplated everything I could and made the best choices I knew how.” or “I followed ‘them’ and whatever ‘they’ thought, no matter what.”
